dark paradise
by Serymn
Summary: Maya still sees Lochan in her dreams. [Set after the novel, warning for implied incest but nothing explicit]


AN: Title obviously inspired by Lana Del Rey's "Dark Paradise." Btw I have a fic on ao3, 'keep on loving you.' Up next is a happy ending fix-it fic for these two.

* * *

 _Every time I close my eyes  
_ _It's like a dark paradise..._

Maya still sees Lochan in her dreams. She saw him in glimpses and borrowed dream-images. Her last dream was not about the sweet old days, but about the humiliation and shame of his trial. Of course, life still goes on. The knife in the bottom drawer still haunts her, whispers to her in odd hours of the night or when she is alone. Kit doesn't go home late anymore, and she tries to drown out the imaginary voice of the knife calling to her with Tiffin and Wila's laughter.

Of course, the whole school knew about the 'scandal', the lie that Lochan raped her against her will. News and rumors travel fast here. The first day she went back to school, no one spoke about it but she knows that's what they are thinking through their sympathetic looks and conspiring silence. Even Francie, her best friend, could only offer a hand on her shoulder. Nico di Marco couldn't look her in the eye.

"I loved him, you know, what you heard wasn't the truth at all," she said to Francie when they were alone in the girl's bathroom. Francie was washing her hands on the sink, Maya with her back to the mirror. Then she cries, helpless and hopeless. Francie gives her a handkerchief to cry on.

"I'm very sorry, Maya," Francie said.

"He said he was guilty, to save me. I would have gone to prison willingly for him," Maya said, and she can see the surprise on Francie' face through the blur of her tears.

"It's because of mom. She saw us. Hell, she doesn't even care about us but she punished Lochan. I hate her! It was all her fault and she didn't even go to Lochan's funeral. Now I'm the one that's left keeping this family together. I want to kill myself but I must go on for him."

"Please don't, Maya. You can talk to me, I'm always here for you," Francie said and Maya believed her. Francie didn't leave until she stopped crying.

#

Maya sat down at their dining table, preoccupied with summing up bills to pay and calling their mother to remind her of her responsibility. She tries her best not to think of Lochan by drowning herself in the little details of life - taking care of her siblings, doing her homework, cooking food, budgeting the cash, fixing and cleaning the house. Kit helped now, and he has changed - though it pains Maya that the change was caused more by Lochan deciding to end his life.

Kit does what he can to help Maya, and if he sneaks away with his friends he doesn't do it at times when he knows Maya will disapprove. Kit mostly takes care of Tiffin and Wila now, fetching them from school and spending time with them now that Lochan is gone. Though, it was hard to have a conversation with him about personal matters. Lochan was still an unspoken presence around them.

The night was for dinner and kids' homework. They slept on the same wide bed, Maya and Kit on the farthest sides while Tiffin and Wila snooze in the middle. This was the best set-up since she was afraid of herself or what she might do if she was alone and heard the voice of the knife whispering again.

#

Another day in school, and the girls' bathroom in the fourth floor was her place - no one went there during breaks as the whole floor was dedicated to laboratories for different science subjects. Only Francie knew where she was, but she often left Maya alone. After Lochan, she couldn't find her old self again. It was as if the old Maya was a stranger. The Maya who was cheerful, popular with her classmates, who everyone liked. Now, faces all seem to blur. After Lochan, she was an invisible entity - everyone knew she existed, but there was an unspoken stigma now, like a branded scarlet letter on her chest covered by the uniform. Now she understood Lochan. She was turning into something like him.

Lochan with his bright green eyes and black hair. She looks into the bathroom mirror and sees a haunted version of herself - her red hair many complimented was now limp, dry. There were dark circles under her eyes and she doesn't remember the last time she smiled. The cool silver of the bracelet Lochan gave her was a small touch of love, but ultimately empty with him gone.

At least Lochan will never get old. Maya will grow old, the bright red of her hair will wash to white in years. Lochan will stay forever young in her mind's eye, forever pure. The way he looked at her in school, in stealing glances and the rare, secret kisses in unseen corners... the memory is too much to bear, and the tears come again, falling on the sink.

She heard the door open. She wiped away the tears and stood straight. It was Miss Azley, Lochan's former teacher.

"I'm terribly sorry for your loss, Ms. Whitely," she said, and respectfully closed the door to leave. Before the door closed, Maya called out to her.

"Miss Azley."

"What is it?"

"What you heard about was wrong. Lochan didn't do anything. He did it to himself to save me," Maya said. There was a long silence before she replied.

"I believe you, Maya. It's a terrible loss. Lochan was my best student. I'm so sorry, I am so sad about what happened."

Maya looked down. The teacher stayed with her for a moment, then left her alone. She believed Maya. That was enough.

#

School ended early for her today. She headed home, Kit would fetch the kids. It would give her some time to clean the house or do laundry. She noticed the mud from Tiffin and Wila's shoes on the floor, so she decided to clean the floor first. She was almost done sweeping the whole floor area of their house when she stopped at the door of Lochan's room. She hardly ever opened it since the incident. Her mother cleaned that one up, mostly by throwing Lochan's things away. This is the same room where they were caught, where they first made love, the first time she was totally one with another person. She took a deep breath and opened the door.

Lochan was sitting on the bed.

He smiled at her, but then he was gone, fading into the sunlight.

In her surprise, Maya slammed the door shut and ran to the kitchen. She tried to calm herself. She's heard about ghosts, and the hallucination was so real. Had her mind conjured images on its own? Something like an optical illusion, like a mirage of water in an empty desert? Lochan, as beautiful as she remembered. Lochan, his eyes of agate-green. She once ran her pale hand through his dark hair, during one rare afternoon when they were alone on his bed, just lying down together, memorizing each others' faces. Lochan was her first love.

When you are in love, it feels like you can't get enough of looking at the person you love. It's as if they're the most beautiful person put on earth, that it was somehow a miracle that this beautiful person fell in love with you. Lochan looked at her that way too. She fixed herself tea while waiting for Kit, trying to calm down from Lochan's ghost.

Then there he was again, sitting beside her, smiling his heartbreaking smile, but with none of the sadness or fear in his eyes. Then, she wasn't afraid. She reached out to touch him, but just when her hand almost made contact, he disappeared.

If that was an illusion, then she hoped her mind won't stop playing such mean tricks.

#

Ophelia drowning in water. Virginia Woolf, the writer, filling her pockets with stones and anchoring herself on a riverbed. Lochan once told her that. She dreamed of distant drowning girls, and their call was similar to the voice of the knife, hidden in a drawer.

She opened the drawer. Some clothes, the kids' socks, and underneath a brown envelope on the bottom, she glimpsed the metal. It was very sharp. It shone like a mirror in the sunlight and she can see her reflection on the surface. She took the handle and investigated it. No, she won't take her own life. She wouldn't do that to her siblings. She wouldn't do that to Lochan, who has sacrificed his life.

"Maya, no!" she heard Kit's voice, and she dropped the knife to the floor. Kit's strong hand grabbed her arm.

"I wasn't trying to do anything, Kit," she said.

"I know I'm to blame for Lochan, Maya. If you're gone what would I do? What about Tiffin and Wila?" he said, almost sobbing now. Gone was the teenager full of pretentious angst, but just her younger brother. He doesn't look like Lochan, which Maya was grateful for.

Kit took the knife and placed it in the kitchen. Then he decided to throw it in the trash.

Even if it was gone, the voice of the knife still whispers.

 _I saw Lochan's ghost. But I cannot touch him._

 _#_

They slept together that night. Tiffin and Wila are still children who knew how to play, but Lochan's absence is an invisible weight. Even while playing, Wila sometimes cried out of the blue. Kit can't do anything. Maya just lets it pass. They hardly ever say his name anymore. How long has it been? Three weeks? A month?

The voice of the knife called, whispered longingly, like sweet melody pouring into her ears, beckoning. In the dark with three of her siblings asleep, she walked softly. The voice lead her to Lochan's room. She wasn't afraid - she longed for it. She wanted to see Lochan's face, even an illusion. Lochan's bed is clean, empty, spotless. On the window over his bed was the bright full moon. She sat on Lochan's bedside, moonlight spilling on the sheets.

She reached out her right hand and closed her eyes. The voice of the knife is silent, but she knew it is there. Silence enveloped the room. Something warm touched her hand. She opened her eyes and saw Lochan, who was sitting beside her and his left palm against her right palm.

She cried. Lochan touched her hair with his free hand and tucked the stray strands softly behind an ear. Then he let go of her hand to wipe the tears away.

" _Maya. Don't cry. For I am always with you_ ," Lochan said, but he makes no sound at all. His lips just moved and Maya understood.

"I miss you, I'm so sorry, I loved you that I wanted to give you everything right away. If I only knew how to wait..."

"It's my fault too," he said. He embraced her, and it was so real and he feels solid. How she longed that this would last forever.

They held each other like that for a long time. Without words, his touch spoke volumes to Maya.

"Maya," he said, and this time she could hear it.

"Lochan," she said, no longer crying.

He touched her ears and kissed her temple.

Then she felt him gone. But the bed was warm and a hand did wipe her tears away.

#

"Maya! Maya!" Someone was calling out to her. It was Kit. She got up from the bed, and Kit opened the door to Lochan's room.

Kit sighed in relief, and an expression of worry and anger came over his face.

"I was so worried about you," Kit said.

"He was here," Maya said. Outside the window, the sun is just rising and it was beautiful.

"Yeah. I feel him too, sometimes."

Then the voice of the knife was quiet. It was gone, and she knew that it will no longer return.

#

A year has passed, and Lochan still appeared in her dreams when she was sad or when she needed reassurance. They don't talk, but being together even in a dream is enough.

They visit Lochan's grave. Tiffin and Wila pick up wildflowers and lay them near Lochan's name. Maya's the same age as Lochan when he died. The cemetery is empty save for them. Maya touches the cold marble tombstone with her cheek, and it was a comfort. Lochan is in her heart, always.

As they leave, she stays behind and looks back.

Lochan was there, standing and silent. He waved to her, and she smiled back. Then he was gone, again.

Kit squeezed her hand when they reached home.

It would be summer again, soon.

#

the end


End file.
